Fed to Congress, "It's Bernake Not Bukake"

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Washington DC- In a heated session of testimony before the President and Congress Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernake clarified the pronunciation of his name. Commented Bernake, "I know you've all had a good laugh with your sophomoric humor, and sure, the first few times I even gave you the benefit of the doubt, but this is the sixth time my paycheck has shown up with the name Ben Bukake written on it. This irresponsibility has got to stop!" As several senior senators chuckled ranking Democrat asked, "I'm sure what you're talking about Dr. Bukake, can we please just talk about fiscal policy?" Bernake then began talking about inflation risks before realizing what had happened.

Principal Seeks Submissive Princess

Chet
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Hello, My name is Chet Wikins Walsham and I'm a principal at Newberry Middle School. I'm a pretty cool principal, some people would even say a real "Pal". Ha ha ha. Anyway what with the new rules prohibiting spanking and other fun practices I'm looking for a woman who would be interested in picking up the slack. You must enjoy spanking and being told you're a "filthy whore", and enjoy Christian themed movies. If you're interested lets get together.

Awkward Stalker Type ISO Someone to Ignore Me

Just a SWDM seeking a young, beautiful woman with own career and goals. Preferably one who lives on ground level apartment or dogless house. Must be tall, gorgeous and otherwise out of my league. Willing to locate for the right girl. I will seduce you with my poetry (mostly cut and pasted letters from magazines) and capture your heart with my romantic ways. For instance, has anyone ever sent you a valentine's heart cut from a pig? If you ignore me, I'll be the best thing that ever happened to you, and if I'm not I'll fucking kill myself. But then again, why just suicide when you can MURDER/suicide!?!

Singer Seeks Strumpet

guitarJimmy
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Hellooooooo--uhhhh-oooohhhh-eeeeeah yeah! My name is James "Jimmy" Edgar Barofsky, and as you might have guessed I'm a bonified rock'n'roll singer. You might have seen me down at the Lucky U Tavern and Inn, I play there on Wednesdays with my band, "Jimmy and the Rockers". We love to rock, we loooo-aaaah-oooo-uuuuuuuve it! Yeah! Anyway I'm looking for love, rock'n'roll style. Yeah! So if you're into the rock lifestyle, you know fast cars, groupies, looooouuuuud music, yeah! Then lets hook up. Come by the Tavern on Wednesday or drop by Mon-Fri between 10 and 4 at the McDonalds on Rolston ave, I'm an assistant manager there.

Xian for One

Xian
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Hello, me Xian, me China. You marry Xian. Xian no work more. Xian marry white girl, rich American, blonde Xian so horny. Xian sleep all day and Kareoke all night. Interested in Xian? Send Xian plane ticket dumb American girl.

Conspiracy Theorist Seeks Companion

Chester Wallace Gerdham
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Hello, my name is Chester Wallace Gerdham and I'm looking for love... discretely. It should surprise nobody that shortly after I published my first treatise on the CIA's involvement in the murder of Elvis Presley I was set up for a 7-11 robbery. Anybody willing to take a chance on me must love danger, international intrigue and the old 'food court snatch and grab.' The picture posted is the only know picture of me since I was 18, and can only assure you my mustache is well kempt when I'm not being photographed for petty crime. And anyway I'€™m planning on having a complete facial reconstruction ASAP. Interested? Let'™s not let the government keep us apart...

Stalking for a Starlet

Barney Fitzgerald Cody
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Hello, my name is Barney Fitzgerald Cody and I'm a man hunting for love. As you might guess by the picture I love to hunt; deer, quail, immigrants, you name it I like it! I live down Brianard, and I own over 50 guns including an AR72 fully automatic! I know what you're saying, someone like that shouldn't have any trouble finding love, and I have had my fair share of girlfriends. But now I'm out stalking the bars and clubs for a five point woman! Wooo eee! Interested? Start running...

Brit Seeks Time Traveler

ellingston
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Hello, my name is Sir Corwell Ellingston Langly. I'm a prominent alchemist at the Longshanks Modernist Academy in London. My interests include the theater and a new phenomenon known as "silent film". Aside from that I'm just a normal guy, I ride my horse to work, and live in constant fear of Scarlet fever just like everyone else. I'm searching for an upstanding strumpet to serve as my paramour for the interim periods when I'm not busy in the lab. Willing women must be willing to relocate to 1857, and wear girdles. Please only serious inquiries. Interested? Lets see where time takes us...

Fu Manchu is Seeking You

Jeffery Maston Francois
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Hello, my name is Jeffery Maston Francois, what's yours? Yeah? That's a pretty name... for a pretty lady. I work for the Sanitation Department, what about you? Oh yeah, that's interesting. What's that you're looking at? My fu manchu? I can see you like that don't you? You can hardly control yourself looking at this frilly lock of hair protruding from my chin. You wanna touch it? We'll if you do I guess you'll have to write me first. We'll go on a date and then I'll let you touch other parts of me too. Interested???

Pop Star Seeks Princess

ricky
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Hello, my name is Ricky Martin, and I'm on a quest for love. I know you must be surprised that a famous singer/actor would have trouble finding love, but it's true! When you get away from the celebrity I'm really just a normal Puerto Rican man. Once you get to know me you'll find I'm down to earth, and not 'livin' la vida loca'. Ha ha, just a joke. I'm a sensitive man and I'm looking for a romantic woman who shares my love of Latin cuisine, long walks on the beach, romantic movies, and tea houses. I'm searching for a lady with handsome features, and preferably a muscular build. Chest hair and a penis a definite plus. Interested? Lets be a normal heterosexual couple...

Computer Geek Seeking Cover Girl

computer geek
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Hello, my name is Mason Ricky Madison and I'm hunting love like Anakan hunted princess Almadala! LOL! I work at Ingenitek as an IT consultant (BJBIPW), and last week I beat "Badge of Honor" in one night! NTNTSA!!! People think that since I'm great with computers I can't be a cool guy. But that's not true, I also enjoy going to chat rooms, or playing games online with my friends (SIGIA). I'm looking for a girl who looks exactly like Laura Croft, and enjoys being berated by my little condescending quips. MHSTSU! Also you should probably have a car so you can pick me up at work. GWHNNA! Interested? Let's head out to the arcade...

Jailbird Seeking a Babe

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Hello, my name is Juan David de Acosta. I'm 42 years old and I've spent most of my natural life behind bars. My hobbies include basic cable and biker mags, and I'm quite keen on trading cigaretts for sexual favors. When I'm not in prison I enjoy sunshine, fresh air, and beer. I'm looking for a girl who is willing to spend extended periods of time alone, and is willing to accept me- hepatitis A, B, and C and all. I'm looking for someone who is very rich, and very, very hot. I'm quite particular on these two points; only serious offers will be considered. Interested? I'll be paroled in May...

Pete's Looking for Someone to Puke With

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Hey, my name is Peter Wilhelm Victor III, people call me Purple Pete. My interests include thrash rock, metal rock, and some hardcore rock. When I'm not working for the sanitation department I'm usually hanging out at the record shop, or getting blitzed on the outskirts of town. Aside from my size 26 waist my greatest claim to fame is not having worn a t-shirt in over two decades. I'm looking for someone to share my love of drugs, and hatred of t-shirts with. I have two tickets for the "Rhino Massacre" show Wednesday, and the "Deceased Cadaver" show on Thursday. Maybe we can go together and then get royally shit-faced after the show? Who knows from whence romance will spring. Interested?

PS- Cunts and whores need not apply.

Looking for a Golden Girl

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Hello, my name is John William Scaggs. I'm an investment banker, although truth be told I'm not really into materialism. I'd rather be remembered as a philanthropist with a heart of gold than a successful business man (although I'm both). My hobbies include jogging, mountain biking, and volunteering. I'm a big brother for a very sweet inner city child, and I often spend my weekends helping out at a local soup kitchen. Although I find charity very fulfilling, I'm looking for someone special to share my heart and life with. I'm looking a nice girl to share long dinners and thoughtful conversation with. A great personality is a must, good looks a distant second, and "golden showers" a must. Interested? Call me, let’s have an adventure...

Father Seeks Fling

Walter Regonald Martin
Originally uploaded by wincilsaucemcbain.

Hello, my name is Walter Regonald Martin, and I'm the proud father of three great kids and a fantastic wife. I'm the principal at Harington Middle School, and the kids at school call me W-Mart, or sometimes "Fuck Face" when I'm not around. I have a very steady and fulfilling life, unfortunately this isn't cutting it for me anymore, so I'm seeking a side fling. Age, ethnicity, and gender are not as important as the ability to meet me at the "Lucky U Motel" at about 4:45 on Wednesdays and/or Thursdays. It'd be great if you would consider splitting the motel bill with me, but it's not a deal breaker if you are destitute. So let's met for some casual, anonymous sex! Interested???

Boozehound Seeks Buxom Beauty

Jimmy Johns Reah
Originally uploaded by wincilsaucemcbain.

Hello, my name is Jimmy Johns Reah, and I'm looking for a good time... all the time! I currently drink 4 days and 6 nights per week, although I'm looking to up that. I currently work at an Abercrombie and Fitch as an assistant store manager, although I've been told a promotion is imminent. Truth be told I'd just bang the 18 year old tail at work, but that's strictly forbidden, so I guess you'll have to do... Interested? I'll toast to that!!!

Cracker Seeks Kid

Hello my name is James Clarence, Im looking for anyone under the age of 12. Please no teens. I know I may look old, but I guess you could say im young at heart. I have very small genetalia, too. I have been a pedophile for quite some time, so that means experience. Will offer candy/rides in my Playtime van. No criminal history (keep your fingers crossed) or STD's. Am willing to play Dragonball X as foreplay.

Bomber Seeks Bombshell

Ty Elliot Cavenaugh
Originally uploaded by wincilsaucemcbain.

Hello, my name is Ty Elliot Cavenaugh. I prefer to be called exactly that, "Ty Elliot Cavenaugh", maybe if we get together you can come up with a pet name for me like, "Ty El Cavenaugh". Anyway, I currently live with my mother, and I have big plans to blow up something some day. As you might guess I very much admire the Unibomber. Anyway my hobbies are building toy planes, and having long dinners with Mother. Perhaps if we hit it off and mother approves we can begin a relationship which would include fornication. YNK. Interested???? Write me, we'll talk....

Shut In Seeks Supermodel

Ron J. Johnson
Originally uploaded by wincilsaucemcbain.

Hello, my name is Ron J. Johnson, I'm a 63-year-old male seeking a mid to early 20's female supermodel. You should be rich and well traveled. Moreover, as I never leave my house you must be willing to visit me at my rural Wyoming compound. I hope we will share some interests, some of mine are; railing against the government conspiracy to control the weather, collecting snails in jars then salting and eating them, picking chiggers off my feet, and recounting innumerable sexual encounters with Korean whores during the war. Interested??? Let's chat...